Setting the Record Straight on Shame
The Shame experienced in childhood, is linked to guilt. In this context, guilt refers to the action and shame is the emotion attached to it. This type of Shame promotes honesty, integrity and forgiveness to self and others, when responded to constructively.
When a child does something they regret, it is essential for them to have a safe person with whom they can discuss their feelings. This person should listen without judgement or criticism and guide the child through three important steps:
Reparation – Explore ways to make amends. This might involve offering to do a chore or the giving of a gift and it should always include a sincere apology.
Forgiveness – Encourage the child to forgive themselves once balance has been restored to the situation, even if the apology has not been accepted (the intention was there).
Prevention – Support the child to consider ways to resist temptation or avoid repeating the same regrettable action in the future.
Following these three steps conditions young people into understanding how to release their own natural shame as they mature. This process enables them to maintain a positive sense of self, it fosters self-preservation and strengthens their connection with the person of trust, leaving them less vulnerable to exploitation.
Toxic Shame
Sadly, instead of teaching young people how to release shame, they are often criticised or even punished when their self preserving actions are mistaken for bad behaviour. Many can resort to lying to protect themselves from such responses. When we punish children and young people, we condition them into their own punitive responses towards themselves or others. Without a trusted person to help them to release their shame, it may leave them isolated and unprotected from predators.
Over time the unprocessed shame accumulates and develops into toxic shame, resulting in self-confidence, self-worth and self-belief fading, feelings of inadequacy building which can lead young people and maturing teenagers onto a path of self-destruction, through self-punishing behaviours.
To protect our young, we need to support them by teaching them how to release their natural shame
