Setting the Record Straight on Shame
The Shame experienced in childhood, is linked to guilt. In this context, guilt refers to the action and shame is the emotion attached to it. This type of Shame promotes honesty, integrity and forgiveness to self and others, when responded to constructively.
When a child does something they regret, it is essential for them to have a safe person with whom they can discuss their feelings. This person should listen without judgement or criticism and guide the child through three important steps:
Reparation – Explore ways to make amends. This might involve offering to do a chore or the giving of a gift and it must always include a genuine apology.
Forgiveness – Encourage the child to forgive themselves once balance has been restored to the situation, even if the apology has not been accepted (the intention was there).
Prevention – Support the child in considering how to resist temptation or avoid repeating the action in the future.
Following these three steps conditions young people into understanding how to release their own shame as they mature. This process enables them to maintain a positive sense of self, it fosters self-preservation and strengthens their connection with the person of trust.
Toxic Shame
Sadly, instead of teaching young people how to release shame, they are often criticised or even punished. To avoid such responses many can resort to lying. Having no safe person to take their shame to, may leave them isolated and vulnerable to predators.
Once toxic shame is established, self-confidence, self-worth and self-belief dwindle and feelings of inadequacy build, taking many people onto a path of self-destruction, through self-punishing behaviours.
To protect our young, we need to help them to release their natural shame.
