Tough Love - FAFO
There has been a lot of talk in the media recently of a shift away from gentle parenting methods and back to more old-fashioned approaches, now known as ‘FAFO’ F**k around and find out.
As a mother, I am acutely aware of the complexities involved in balancing work, household tasks, school runs, feeding the family and pets, as well as managing GP and dental appointments. The pressure to fulfil the role of a ‘good’ mother can be overwhelming, and feelings of failure can creep in when things become too much.
Parents face numerous challenges, and as they say, there is no one size fits all manual instructing us how to parent correctly. Much of parenting is learned in real time, and unfortunately, we only discover the effectiveness of our methods when our children reach adulthood.
Parents often replicate the parenting styles they experienced. Yet, if these approaches were truly beneficial, why are so many people struggling with depression, anxiety, aggression and similar conditions? Why are our hospitals and prisons overflowing?
Now that my child is an adult, reflecting on my parenting provides a different perspective. If I could advise my younger self as a new mother, this is what I would share:
Distinguish between ‘Wants’ and ‘Needs’
It is important not to prioritise ‘wants’ over ‘needs’ when supporting children. Children are naturally inclined towards self-preservation and to nurture this, it is essential to recognise the difference between what they want and what they truly need. Fulfilling a child’s needs leads to lifelong benefits, as it equips them to meet their own needs as adults.
Wants: The joy a child feels from receiving a new toy or game is often short-lived, lasting only until the next desirable item is released. Occasionally, the only enduring benefit may be the memory of receiving it. It is nice to receive the things we want but only healthy in moderation.
There are exceptions to the rule, where a want can also fall into the need category; something like a bicycle or gifts that help with their understanding of technology. In adulthood we might ‘need’ a car to get to work but we ‘want’ the most desirable one.
It is important to avoid using wants as a form of bribery when interacting with children. For example, promising, ‘If you eat all your dinner, I will buy you sweets,’ or ‘If you behave well, I will take you to the ice cream parlour or the park,’ can set a precedent that is problematic.
Such statements create expectations. If a child believes they have fulfilled their part of the bargain, on another day when they pass by the sweet shop without receiving the promised reward can feel unjust. In these situations, feelings of anger may arise, and the child is likely to express this through a tantrum. This behaviour is their attempt to assert themselves, as they may not yet be able to articulate their feelings or perspective.
When wants are used to distract from unmet needs, for instance, taking a child to the toy shop to distract them from feelings of sadness, or when wants are regularly prioritised over genuine needs, this can lead to long-term consequences. Many individuals who experience this can grow up seeking immediate gratification or soothing their emotions through retail therapy. As adults, they may struggle to resist the urge to satisfy every desire, even when aware of the risks to their health and overall wellbeing. This pattern of behaviour becomes ingrained, making it difficult to break free from the cycle of instant gratification.
Needs are generally divided into two main categories, practical and emotional:
Practical Needs: encompass the basics for survival and wellbeing, including food, water, clean clothes, a warm bed, rest, heat, connection, education, exercise, dental and medical care, among others.
Responding promptly when a child is hungry or otherwise in need fosters a sense of security and contentment. Meeting these practical needs encourages children to care for themselves as they grow, it also builds trust and security in their relationship with their caregivers.
Unmet needs often manifest as what is perceived as ‘bad behaviour’, but in reality, much challenging behaviour stems from needs not being met.
If a child’s practical needs are overlooked, they may experience panic and attempt to assert themselves to maintain self-preservation.
This can result in children expressing themselves with words or tones that might be deemed unacceptable, possibly leading to criticism or punishment.
Over time, repeated negative responses can cause children to stop advocating for themselves, and they may begin to disregard their own practical needs.
Emotional Needs: Each emotion plays a vital role in building resilience, maintaining self-worth and fostering self-appreciation. When a child experiences emotional need, it presents an opportunity to teach important life skills.
Sadness should be met with compassion and empathy. For example, when a child grazes their knee, offering hugs, kisses, and reassuring words such as ‘I will make the pain go away’ or ‘I will make you better’ is very beneficial to them. Attending to their medical needs in these moments reinforces the importance of health and wellbeing. Such responses help children learn to express compassion and empathy towards themselves and others. Once sadness subsides, they return to a state of contentment.
Joy, where possible, should be celebrated through smiles and playful interactions, helping children feel noticed and valued. This recognition helps them feel important and supports confidence to interact and build healthy relationships. Once these moments pass, the child returns to contentment.
Fear can be eased with assurances of safety. For instance, if a child has a nightmare and seeks comfort, showing them their room is free from monsters and offering comforting words like ‘you’re safe, I will always protect you’ helps restore their sense of contentment and allows them to relax and return to sleep.
Anger offers opportunities for a child to learn self-assertion. Experiencing or witnessing injustice, such as being wrongly blamed, prompts them to defend themselves. Listening and validating their feelings helps develop their ability to articulate and refine negotiation skills as they mature. When anger subsides, they return to contentment.
Shame. There appears to be a lot of misunderstanding around shame.
To help children navigate guilt and shame, it is crucial for them to have a trusted adult who supports rather than punishes or humiliates. When a child confides after doing something wrong, such as lying or taking money, these moments are ideal for teaching how to release guilt and shame. Guiding them through reparation, self-forgiveness, and prevention helps them to continue a healthy relationship with themselves and keeps them on the path to fulfilment.
Sadly, many children lack supportive responses, as most do not have a safe person to turn to. This can result in an accumulation of shame (which develops into toxic shame). This can lead them to seek safety in unsafe places, with potentially severe consequences during adolescence.
Even children raised in nurturing environments can lose these supportive responses as they mature. There seems to be an expiry date when they reach a certain age. For instance, a twelve-year-old may be told to ‘man up’ or ‘get a grip’ when expressing fear or sadness. Criticism or humiliation in response to emotional needs can cause teenagers to dismiss their own needs, diminishing their self-preservation instinct and potentially diverting them from their natural path and towards self-destructive behaviour.
When emotions are met with humiliation, criticism or so called ‘tough love’ it prevents the child from being able to navigate back to contentment. Instead, their relationship with an offending emotion is impacted, disrupting the whole emotional system which induces mental torment.
If caregivers do not take a more thoughtful and intentional approach in meeting the genuine needs of children, there is a significant risk that these children may develop conditions such as depression or anxiety or they may find themselves on the wrong side of the law in later in life.
A new parental approach is essential to preserve emotions in their natural form, preventing the emotional system from becoming toxic.
During my experience, both as a mother and as a counsellor, I have observed that if 'tough love' is the method adopted, these children will likely require therapy in the future and so the cycle of children who enter adulthood ill-equipped to meet their own needs or that of their children continues down the generations.
Annette Perlmutter
